There for eachother

So Tired

2009-05-19T22:31:00.003-05:00

I haven't shared this with anyone really and need (desperately) to get it off my chest. Jason's been sick for a long time. He's been to the doctor repeatedly and they found nothing wrong. He had x-rays and blood work and nothing. He's not sleeping well and he can't breath. All tests came back normal and then FINALLY 2 weeks ago a last resort blood test found something. He had a toxic Streptococcus Syndrome and it required immediate action...or so the voice recording said on a Friday night. I was more than a little frustrated. He'd been going to the doctor since February and they just found it. He's now on his 3rd week of treatments and very slowly getting better. I'm so worried and frustrated and just trying to keep my family afloat. Luckily, finals are over. I was a wreck during finals with my sick husband pretending he's not sick and my kids still needing food and all. Tonight I just watched Jason tossing and turning in pain for about 2 hours before finally going to bed and I'm fairly certain these shots aren't cutting it. I don't know what we need or what can help, I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm terrified of this.

HELP!

2009-05-18T10:15:00.001-05:00

Not sure if anyone even looks at this blog anymore, but I need a place to vent where my husband can't see or anyone else that I don't want to see my frustration! This weekend we went to Dallas to clean up our house. See my post on my blog for info on that! We stayed with my mom and dad. I enjoy staying with them especially now that my sister is not there. It is actually quite peaceful. Well on Saturday morning when we woke up my Dad fed the girls Captain Crunch for breakfast. I don't really think anything of it because that was the type of cereal we ate when I was growing up. We don't typically feed the girls this at home, but I figure they don't see them often and it was okay. Clay has issues with this. I wish that he were more easy going when it comes to my parents. I have never been upset with his family when they feed the kids something we don't usually feed them. As we were driving home he told me that I needed to talk to my parents about what they are feeding them for breakfast especially since the girls are going to be staying with them for a week here in a few weeks. I told him that if he was so worried about it that he should talk to them. It ended up becoming an argument. I hate arguing. I understand his point, but don't really see the need to bring it up to my parents since we don't see them often and the girls will only be there for a week. Besides I honestly don't think they will have cereal every day for breakfast. This is also coming from the guy that got mad at me for feeding them fruit snacks on the way to Dallas. Apparently those are bad for them too. Does anyone have any ideas on the subject and how to approach this with Clay or my Mom and Dad if he won't budge?
Signed,
A very frustrated wife!

End Of My Rope

2009-02-26T07:44:00.003-06:00

I've been taking care of sick kids for the past 6 weeks and I've reached the end of my rope. Yesterday, amid birthday family stuff for Ryan, I was taking Noah to the doctor and my husband for x-rays while battling an ear infection of my own. This is seemingly ongoing and has been for quite some time. This morning Ryan woke up and threw up all over the living room, couch and bathroom. I'm so frustrated I could scream. To top it off, when I bring it to my husband, he just tells me he's dealing with his own stuff right now (hence the x-rays). I try to tell him that I know he's dealing with his own stuff but while he's dealing, I'm still doing. The kids still need clothes, the dishes still need to get done and dinner somehow still ends up in front of everybody. I'm standing on one leg and it's getting wobbly.

How can I be sensitive to him while tactfully asking him to get off his duff and help me out a little here?

Is This Thing On?

2009-02-17T14:15:00.002-06:00

Actually, it doesn't really matter if it's on or not. I just need to vent a crisis moment, and it's the kind that, if I vent it to my husband, there will be panic in the streets.

Ladies, I hate my job.

I feel like I can't take one more day of cooking or dishes or laundry or making menus or arranging schedules or grocery shopping or encouraging children to do anything other than sit like lumps in front of the TV.

No joke. I'm actually sitting here in my filthy kitchen thinking "I can't take this anymore. I hate all of it."

Have any of you ever been there, and how did you survive it? Because I think that's all I can do - wait for the moment to pass. Getting a day job will only add "Day Job" to the above list. Bleah.

It's cool if you haven't been there. Like I said, just needed to vent.

Thanks for the forum, Ami!

Someboy else please post

2008-10-15T11:19:00.002-05:00

I'm so sick of my post so if anyone has anything else going on in their lives that they want to share or need support with please post it, my post is old and lame.

How long will it take?

2008-09-09T23:23:00.002-05:00

Every time I seem to being doing great and not thinking about a baby, it comes rushing back at unexpected moments. I'll be driving and singing along to music and having a great time and next thing I know I'm crying at a red light. I'm not crazy or even sad but can't seem to let go of the feeling that something was taken from me. I have trouble being humble and trusting in the Lord, when I don't see where He's going with something. And I know we can't always see where our paths are going but I'd like a road sign from time to time....
I'm just wondering (out loud? well as loud as my typing is..) how long it will take for my wounds to heal or at least toughen up a bit.
It feels like I wear a sign that states, "Hello, my name is Ami and I can't have any more children." and that diminishes my woman-ness. I'm less attractive and broken. My head knows that it's not true (and my mirror....hahaha) but my raw, aching heart will believe anything right now.
I'm just venting and not looking for sympathy or anything. I just know that a group of mothers would understand this more than anyone else.

Here's the Thing...

2008-08-13T12:42:00.002-05:00

I've been under so much stress lately, I've actually gained about 20 pounds in the past month or so due to all the self medicating I've been doing (peanut m&m's). I wanted to just vent it all out and relax. School's going to have to wait until spring because of a clerical error with my application. I specifically started back in April to get every thing in order so nothing would go wrong and still have to wait because of that. That stinks but I'm going to use my extra semester wisely and fix our poor credit (funfunfun).
Then Ryan's school lost his application so I had to go downtown Prosper to enroll him in person. I'm wondering if this is a common occurrence...lost applications or just a fluke that both of ours were lost/mistyped the same week.
On top of everything, my brother's coming to town in a few hours (dundundun). He's, ummmm...how do I put this delicately?....a militant atheist who hates everything I believe in and the way I'm raising my children (awesome). It's not so bad when he comes with my sister or his girlfriend but he's coming by himself this time and I'm bracing myself for an attack and possibly having to throw my only brother out of my house, which pretty much sucks!
Then we have a dead something stinking up the walls and I've spent all morning calling pest control and handy men to find someone who will actually remove it, instead of cleaning my house for my upcoming family visit. I have a party I'm throwing on Saturday (You're all invited, I swear...we just sent out the invites last night, though) and I'd love it if my house didn't stink and I don't have to host a party on my lawn.

This is a rant.

2008-08-12T12:18:00.002-05:00

Hi ladies. I miss all my Texas girls! I have something I need to get off my chest, and I can't do it on my regular blog. And I'm hoping it fits here, even though it will be much like preaching to the choir.

I am experiencing something here in California that I don't remember coming across once the whole time we were in TX. It's the backhanded support/takedown all in one. Case in point:

This Friday, my family is leaving for Disney World. We planned this back in January, and have been saving for it for longer than that. It's our 10th anniversary celebration, and we decided to do something with the kids; eight days at Disney World. Extravagant, I suppose, but 10 years is a big deal!

You know what I heard from sisters in TX when they heard about that? "Wow, that's so neat!" "Oh, you guys are going to LOVE it!" "How fun for you!"

Know what I've gotten from my BFF and others out here? "Oh my gosh I HATE you!" "Oh, Miss THANG is gonna go live at Disney World!" It's always said with a wink and a smile, and obviously they're teasing, but cripes! I think women (and especially LDS women) have it hard enough without adding petty envy thinly disguised as "harmless" sarcasm.

I'm not a frivolous person. In fact, my husband likes to tease me about my pragmatism. We try to do fun things occasionally, but it's always planned out and budgeted. It bothers me a lot when I get teased about being a big spender. That part is my own problem, I know, but I think it would be a great service if more women treated each other like I was treated in TX. It's also a lesson I learned from an older sister of mine while I was growing up:

If your friend/sister/neighbor is excited, be excited for and with her. If she's happy, be happy for her. Be selfless. We all have our turns. Sometimes you're flying high and you can afford to be easily happy for someone else's good fortune. Sometimes life stinks, and you can still be happy for others, and hopefully they'll be there for you in return.

That's my rant, and now I'm done. Thanks, Ami, for giving us a place to "talk" with others Girls. :)

Nerves

2008-08-04T15:13:00.002-05:00

My big appointment is tomorrow morning. I'm so nervous. I've never done anything so big like this by myself. Jason's always been right by my side and he can't get away tomorrow so I've had to figure it all out and prep myself for what's coming. Well, this isn't the big, big appointment...it's the big appointment where they make sure I'm ready for the big, big appointment. It's nerve wracking to think that in 3 weeks I'll be officially sterile. That's it. No more child-bearing years...not that they've been that great to me. It's the finality that's getting to me. At 28 I will no longer be able to have another baby. It's a little hard to swallow.

HELP!

2008-07-29T23:36:00.001-05:00

Okay... so I need to use this blog because I need some help, but I don't want the whole world or ward knowing. I had a run in tonight with someone. I said some things that I should not have said, but I am afraid it may have ruined a friendship. I should have just kept my mouth shut like advised to do so, but when I feel strongly about something I usually don't. Any suggestion on what I should do or if I should just let it be.
Amber

A Little Nervous

2008-07-26T18:32:00.002-05:00

So, I'm April. Hi. I'm 10 weeks pregnant, and having pretty bad cramps. I'm not having any spotting or bleeding or any symptoms of any kind of UTI or bladder infection, so I called the on-call doctor today to find out what he thought. I have what's called an "irritable uterus" where I have Braxton Hicks contractions for much of my pregnancy, but the doctor said that I wouldn't start with that until atleast week 16 of my pregnancy, so I'm supposed to go in on monday or tuesday for an ultrasound to make sure my pregnancy isn't ectopic. I was already worried about having cramps, but now I'm even more nervous. I never even thought of the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy. My husband is always telling me that I'm making "April mountains" out of molehills, and I really hope that this is the case here. I hope that I'm just overly nervous about a small amount of cramps and it turns out to be nothing. It's not very often that I HOPE that my husband is right, but this time I wouldn't begrudge him his victory.

A slight Change

2008-07-25T16:27:00.002-05:00

I've had such a great response to this blog that I wanted to open it up and have it on all women-related topics and not just infertility. Because that is just a small portion of what makes us who we are, we're also sisters, mothers, daughters and friends. We can pull together with anything we'd like to share and uplift eachother.

2008-07-20T18:57:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone!! I started this blog as a way to support other women who are going through or have gone through infertility issues. I thought we could start off by telling our stories and giving a little bit of history so we all start out knowing a little more about each other.

Here's my story:

I have 2 beautiful sons that are my world. My problem is more an indirect fertility issue. I can get pregnant but once I'm pregnant the drama begins. The moment I become pregnant a sever form of hyperemesis gravidarum which is basically violent morning sickness to the point that I'm hospitalized and losing weight rapidly begins.

6 PICC lines, countless hospital stays, 2 times septic, 1 stroke scare, 3 failed epidurals & 2 failed spinals which led to 1 spinal migraine, 8 days radioactive and in ICU unable to hold my newborn, 6 months of bed rest,18 month post-baby recovery, 75 gained pounds later I've come to terms with the fact that my body's not meant to have children. That doesn't mean I can't be a mother again.

It's taken me 3 years to come to terms with this and I'm actually having my tubes tied in the next few weeks to make it official. It's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. Everyone in my life is supportive but they really don't understand. It's not that I'm not grateful for the children I do have in my life but it was a mourning process for the children I can never "have" and the nice happy pregnancy I'll never experience. There are still days when I see some happy pregnant lady at the store or a newborn at church that I get that pain in my heart. I don't think it'll ever go away but having friends like you can help me notice it less and less!!