When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

So Tired

I haven't shared this with anyone really and need (desperately) to get it off my chest. Jason's been sick for a long time. He's been to the doctor repeatedly and they found nothing wrong. He had x-rays and blood work and nothing. He's not sleeping well and he can't breath. All tests came back normal and then FINALLY 2 weeks ago a last resort blood test found something. He had a toxic Streptococcus Syndrome and it required immediate action...or so the voice recording said on a Friday night. I was more than a little frustrated. He'd been going to the doctor since February and they just found it. He's now on his 3rd week of treatments and very slowly getting better. I'm so worried and frustrated and just trying to keep my family afloat. Luckily, finals are over. I was a wreck during finals with my sick husband pretending he's not sick and my kids still needing food and all. Tonight I just watched Jason tossing and turning in pain for about 2 hours before finally going to bed and I'm fairly certain these shots aren't cutting it. I don't know what we need or what can help, I just needed to get it off my chest. I'm terrified of this.

Monday, May 18, 2009


Not sure if anyone even looks at this blog anymore, but I need a place to vent where my husband can't see or anyone else that I don't want to see my frustration! This weekend we went to Dallas to clean up our house. See my post on my blog for info on that! We stayed with my mom and dad. I enjoy staying with them especially now that my sister is not there. It is actually quite peaceful. Well on Saturday morning when we woke up my Dad fed the girls Captain Crunch for breakfast. I don't really think anything of it because that was the type of cereal we ate when I was growing up. We don't typically feed the girls this at home, but I figure they don't see them often and it was okay. Clay has issues with this. I wish that he were more easy going when it comes to my parents. I have never been upset with his family when they feed the kids something we don't usually feed them. As we were driving home he told me that I needed to talk to my parents about what they are feeding them for breakfast especially since the girls are going to be staying with them for a week here in a few weeks. I told him that if he was so worried about it that he should talk to them. It ended up becoming an argument. I hate arguing. I understand his point, but don't really see the need to bring it up to my parents since we don't see them often and the girls will only be there for a week. Besides I honestly don't think they will have cereal every day for breakfast. This is also coming from the guy that got mad at me for feeding them fruit snacks on the way to Dallas. Apparently those are bad for them too. Does anyone have any ideas on the subject and how to approach this with Clay or my Mom and Dad if he won't budge?
A very frustrated wife!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

End Of My Rope

I've been taking care of sick kids for the past 6 weeks and I've reached the end of my rope. Yesterday, amid birthday family stuff for Ryan, I was taking Noah to the doctor and my husband for x-rays while battling an ear infection of my own. This is seemingly ongoing and has been for quite some time. This morning Ryan woke up and threw up all over the living room, couch and bathroom. I'm so frustrated I could scream. To top it off, when I bring it to my husband, he just tells me he's dealing with his own stuff right now (hence the x-rays). I try to tell him that I know he's dealing with his own stuff but while he's dealing, I'm still doing. The kids still need clothes, the dishes still need to get done and dinner somehow still ends up in front of everybody. I'm standing on one leg and it's getting wobbly.

How can I be sensitive to him while tactfully asking him to get off his duff and help me out a little here?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Is This Thing On?

Actually, it doesn't really matter if it's on or not. I just need to vent a crisis moment, and it's the kind that, if I vent it to my husband, there will be panic in the streets.

Ladies, I hate my job.

I feel like I can't take one more day of cooking or dishes or laundry or making menus or arranging schedules or grocery shopping or encouraging children to do anything other than sit like lumps in front of the TV.

No joke. I'm actually sitting here in my filthy kitchen thinking "I can't take this anymore. I hate all of it."

Have any of you ever been there, and how did you survive it? Because I think that's all I can do - wait for the moment to pass. Getting a day job will only add "Day Job" to the above list. Bleah.

It's cool if you haven't been there. Like I said, just needed to vent.

Thanks for the forum, Ami!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Someboy else please post

I'm so sick of my post so if anyone has anything else going on in their lives that they want to share or need support with please post it, my post is old and lame.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

How long will it take?

Every time I seem to being doing great and not thinking about a baby, it comes rushing back at unexpected moments. I'll be driving and singing along to music and having a great time and next thing I know I'm crying at a red light. I'm not crazy or even sad but can't seem to let go of the feeling that something was taken from me. I have trouble being humble and trusting in the Lord, when I don't see where He's going with something. And I know we can't always see where our paths are going but I'd like a road sign from time to time....
I'm just wondering (out loud? well as loud as my typing is..) how long it will take for my wounds to heal or at least toughen up a bit.
It feels like I wear a sign that states, "Hello, my name is Ami and I can't have any more children." and that diminishes my woman-ness. I'm less attractive and broken. My head knows that it's not true (and my mirror....hahaha) but my raw, aching heart will believe anything right now.
I'm just venting and not looking for sympathy or anything. I just know that a group of mothers would understand this more than anyone else.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Here's the Thing...

I've been under so much stress lately, I've actually gained about 20 pounds in the past month or so due to all the self medicating I've been doing (peanut m&m's). I wanted to just vent it all out and relax. School's going to have to wait until spring because of a clerical error with my application. I specifically started back in April to get every thing in order so nothing would go wrong and still have to wait because of that. That stinks but I'm going to use my extra semester wisely and fix our poor credit (funfunfun).
Then Ryan's school lost his application so I had to go downtown Prosper to enroll him in person. I'm wondering if this is a common occurrence...lost applications or just a fluke that both of ours were lost/mistyped the same week.
On top of everything, my brother's coming to town in a few hours (dundundun). He's, ummmm...how do I put this delicately?....a militant atheist who hates everything I believe in and the way I'm raising my children (awesome). It's not so bad when he comes with my sister or his girlfriend but he's coming by himself this time and I'm bracing myself for an attack and possibly having to throw my only brother out of my house, which pretty much sucks!
Then we have a dead something stinking up the walls and I've spent all morning calling pest control and handy men to find someone who will actually remove it, instead of cleaning my house for my upcoming family visit. I have a party I'm throwing on Saturday (You're all invited, I swear...we just sent out the invites last night, though) and I'd love it if my house didn't stink and I don't have to host a party on my lawn.